Only one pursuit of heart I can follow at once, and moving forward, and be of completely clear conscience; because it sickens and poisons a heart and mind that takes two paths or even more, while at the same time somehow shape shifting into different facades to different people. Otherwise the struggle that mounts up inside not only tears one up from within like an insidious cancer but also spreads its effects to other far-flung parts of the spirited being – especially health of the spiritual being, the peace of mind, previously self-affirmed philosophies of life; parts that previously seemed impregnable from any form of defilement but have now began to show signs of degradation from how far they’ve constantly gone without attendance.
There’s an inner battle that I’ve confronted myself with – wrought by a naïve, selfish blindness to other persons’ developing emotional entanglement with me – blindness to how casual wistful suppositions and words can by themselves draw and influence hearts. This type of battle is also borne of an innately grown need for more. A selfish hoarding this is. Moreover, the disillusionment that a split mind draws, hinges on: the lack of acknowledgment of any fallibility; the misbelief that placing temporary pieces of other people’s place in your heart can abide the test of time; that decisions can be put off to latter effect. I almost didn’t want to let go, and neither did I let myself realize that letting go would effectively let me wholesomely become – especially to the one I choose to love.
I think a self-diagnosis would serve a great deal to put the “malady” into perspective. This particular case being: of the fatal inhibition to move forward in any aspect, symptomized by a deep emotional ineffectiveness and mind crippling where progress of the emotional kind becomes infinitesimal if any and sort of deluded as having no cornerstone foundation of real trust that if questioned, if probed, if investigated – easily loses its flesh and bone – and withers like a feather against the wind. Thus, there’s always a resort to take delight in no action. There’s always a retreat to all that can be soft and cuddly; but there’s also that none of which isn’t tried and tested mayn’t last without later scarring and leaving many unanswered questions or shameful spite from the offended party.
Overwhelmingly, in existence, is also an underlying malice in playing this zero-sum game, pitting one person against the other. Showing, evidently, no established self-dogma in taking such based decisions – it’s a simple yet devoid-of-faith resort to simple math. I might not be able to justify chosen paths of actions when the equations did fall out of equilibrium as variables were diversified and questions are posed. Simply put, no justification is sufficient to appease.
Reversing the cycle – they say, requires the stifling of a habit in all places: an introspection of all things – you through the eyes of others as well as an outside view of who or whatever is the Achilles heel; looking inward and outward.
I’ve decided that my kind of love will not at all be one that leaves the door when that is the only other option available. I’ve decided that I can’t simply be a brave coward and take the obvious way out. There’s no harm in leaving things unsaid and undone? – But there’s also no strain in acting on the temporal and tangibly perceived realities within what self-efficacy can achieve by sheer will? And such strain-less action can’t uplift/inspire souls as it’s merely ordinary in character, showing nothing more. There must be something that you can show from your love to inspire others in their same pursuit.
Featured image by Wu angle: https://www.flickr.com/photos/yichih_wu/15357655331