Survivor’s Guilt

Friendships and relationships break off for different reasons. Reasons that we choose or end up becoming inevitable. Recently, I came to witness the breakdown of one of this close friendships of mine (the overarching theme of this week’s posts), and the headlining feature cause of this was just how much I withheld or how much wanted the other person to know about me. They say better the devil you know than the Angel you don’t know. There was never any reason for me to not tell a friend what was troubling me at the times that I felt weakest, or demotivated to pursue anything that life offered because the vanity of life at times when I was down was amplified a hundredfold. “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun, ” Solomon rightly acknowledges. And so, the fallibility that is innate in me, that I was scared to reveal to my friend in turn took charge of the entire relationship and turned it on its head.

Perfection, in people, and especially in me, in virtually unattainable, even though I seek to lay on the table the best impressions of myself to other people. I wrote down all the things wrong with me, what I need to fix or change about myself, after the relationship with my friend took a dip, and surprise surprise- the ground didn’t open up and swallow me with in shock of how imperfect I am, nor did the pages of my journal burn up in protest of the words I wrote down. This time, I won’t go back and tear out the pages from my journal, like I’ve done so the many other times before. I have to be able to let my truth- my own truth- about myself- known to me. I have to able to acknowledge my fallibility if I want to be able to share this woth others and not just paint all over it with a brush of my ever cheerful, ever happy face that I adorn everyday.

Having already hid from myself, I see that nothing good ever comes from placing your best foot forward to the friends and people that you love while your other foot is broken and in pain, hurting. It’s okay to be vulnerable to such people- hoping, knowing they will help you to hospital, watch over you as you heal, and even maybe sometimes sneak in some chocolate to break the monotony of hospital food. Once you’re on your feet again, and run alongside your friends and loved ones, not dragging behind and giving silly excuses to cover up for your shortcomings.

This is what I failed to fully appreciate- telltale of the lack of faith I didn’t have in myself to let this particular friend help me. No true friend abandons you when you are in distress. They will rather tend to hold your hand, and get you help so that you can get back to your feet.

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