The Anatomy of Doubt

[Le Doubte]         [der Zweifel]       [الشك]      [怀疑]      [la duda]       [shaka]


What is this little monster that is doubt? And why do we even fall down to it? I, Lau de Bugs, asked my fellow, wiser blogger and friend, Kathie to chip in on this.

L: Well, to me, doubt has manifested itself in many ways. Starting from the feeling that I have when I secretly torrent movies on campus [Haha, yeah, I still do it. Don’t look at me wrong, you know you do it sometimes] 😎,to when I look at those pieces of deliciously made cakes at the cafeteria, to when I set my alarm at 4.30 am 🕜and even when I decide that I will not buy impulsively from Amazon. Doubt is this thing that creeps up on me sometimes, making me feel woozy and the like. Doubt faces me when I sit down and I stand up, before I talk to someone new and even a familiar face. This doubt comes to me mostly by the thought of the speculated aftermath of every situation; of the possibly of the nakedness of what might or should happen.

Doubt is a monster with many faces. It shows its face everywhere in my life, and in the lives of those around me at least. Doubt is the only reason that there is belief🙇. It’s essential; because, if there is no doubt, what is left is certainty. The last time I truly felt sure of myself, was the last day of high school. And those who are close to me know that I have not traveled a straight path. By this I mean, every step in high school was calculated, carefully planned and mapped out, and I could look ahead five to ten steps ahead. It’s a game that I had mastered, till the last day. From there, things did not really fall in place. Or rather, I overestimated my capability of putting things on order, into plan, into perspective. By nature, I began to see how things slipped out of my hands. It was disorienting. And this state of uncertainty began.

I do admit that I partly didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t have any sure agenda of what I would do the following day. But as I began to tread this rocky path, all that I could place my finger on was how unsure I was. This is an agonizing state of which I dwelt. I had no choice but to try and look for myself within this phase. But the more I tried to understand the patterns of my life, the more the patterns intertwined and crisscrossed themselves, making the future look the more foggy and serendipitous. You see, the thing I didn’t understand was that this search for absolute certainty was an impossible task. I don’t really know when I came to accept life as it comes, however, throughout this process, I have grown into a person who understands the value of these moments.

K: When I turned nineteen for example, I was in a psychological stalemate. I decided to step up my game towards my role as an adult individual. My folks would at times tell me am still too young to do this and that or am too old or mature for this and another. I grew uncertain but as soon as I let life take its course I was good to go. Things fell in place unplanned.

L: I have friends who know what they will do this month, next month, this year, next year; and while this is a good thing, it robs them of the adversity of uncertainty that forces us to doubt, find ourselves and acknowledge our own faults and shortcomings. Then, and only then, will one be able to believe, and have faith, to know oneself, to grow, and to become someone better.

Sure, we can plan ahead, but the best of us, thus, are those who doubt at times. There is nothing wrong with doubt, and I learnt that I shouldn’t look to run away from these moments when I doubt. Rather, cherish these instances, because they make me a better person.

K: We should just let the stuff and moments flow. Life should be a surprise in that I didn’t really want to know what tomorrow will be like or what it holds for me. Life without doubt is like watching the harry potter movie after reading the novel (Not the most accurate comparison, but yeah). I remember when I was young my mum used to make quilts for us every day she would choose a new cloth. I and my sisters always anticipated for each day as we wanted to know the cloth color and pattern she would sew in next.

Uncertainty may be termed as a limiting factor in life and to our dreams. Sometimes I feel as if I missed a great deal of fun and excitement in my prior life due to not trusting these times of doubt. I have fallen and embarrassed (yes, embarrassed), appeared naïve and stupid, and felt uncomfortable coz of doubt. Funny that sometimes we even doubt that we doubt ourselves.

One good thing about doubt is that it brings vivacity in life. I am able to nostalgize all the moments whether good or bad and take them as a learning process. The best thing now about the doubting stage is that once we make a decision it’s valid. In future when placed in a similar position, we already know which path to take. Personally, having read the famous poem “the path not taken” by Robert Frost tipped me on the guidelines to decision making. It makes our lives look like a box-office and the choices that we take are our climax. Keeping in mind that our movies have genres. We really have to make choices knowing that we can never rewind things all over again.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler”

-Robert Frost, “The Road Not Taken”



Lau de Bugs & Kathie


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